I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Randomize
