Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
