I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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