A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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