he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
