I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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