Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
