i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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