why do cheetos always look like penises
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
you made out with another girl for some wings
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
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