I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
