john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
