I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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