the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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