well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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