I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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