I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
