I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
