You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
