I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
