captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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