She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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