Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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