I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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