New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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