he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
