Soap is not a condiment
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
