honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
