so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
