She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
