Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
