sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
