I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
