Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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