I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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