remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
