I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
