im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
You ate ashes out of my bong
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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