I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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