hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I think I sprained my soul last night
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
