Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
