Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
