I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
