I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
