Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
