god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
