If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Dick very happy bro
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
