you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
