Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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