no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
