Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
